


Gratitude

by yonnna



Category: Baccano!
Genre: also if you're uncomfortable with references to huey's abuse/neglect of his experiments, spoilers for 1711 if you don't know what happens to Niki, suicide ideation, that's a thing that he reflects on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-11 04:20:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8953471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yonnna/pseuds/yonnna
Summary: Huey has trouble letting go, and Niki doesn't believe she has anything to hold onto. Elmer is Elmer.





	

 

“I can fix this.”

He is on the verge of something — not what he searches for, but something along the way. _Something_. What a feeling it is to have power over anything in this life; to feel, for once, that he is forging his own path rather being tugged along by the strings of cruel puppeteers.

— To feel that perhaps it all had purpose.

He thumbs through the pages with urgency — past _transmutation_ , past _the grand panacea_ , past a series of chapters dated 1910 to 1930 titled _Chane_. Three hundred years of research flashing in front of him in a whirlwind of yellowing pages and sweeping cursive.

“I can stop her feeling the pain. I’ve done it before.”

His index finger lands on a page filled from corner to corner with medical illustrations — dotted lines like instructions in a kindergarten workbook: _cut here_ , _reattach there_. He follows the text to a citation and sets the journal aside.

“Huey.” Elmer’s brow furrows, but Huey is too busy pulling books from the shelves in heaving stacks to notice the lapse in demeanor.

“I know what I’m doing, Elmer. I have an experiment — a fully functional homunculus with no ability to feel. It’s as simple as altering the —”

“Huey.”

He does not miss this repetition, but he ignores it. Dropping the stack onto his desk and tucking a strand of hair behind his ear, his eyes search for the place to start — retracing the experiment to the beginning.

“I perfected it years ago.”

Rail may hate him, but if the knowledge can be used — if it _means_ something to the people who mean something to him — then it is worth the hatred. It is worth the monstrosity. Every scientist is a villain in the eyes of their experiments, he reminds himself; if a lab rat’s suffering can spare a human from suffering, anyone will sacrifice the lab rat.

They had not been _human_ — Niki _is_. She is one piece of the puzzle that is the happiness he’d felt then: she is not Monica, but she was _there_ , and if he can recreate the circumstances, if he can keep Elmer frozen in time, if he can make Niki who she’d been then — if he can recreate the circumstances then the results will fall into place. Science tells him this, and he repeats this like a mantra, like a prayer.

“Do you think that’s what she wants?”

He keeps his head ducked, pupils darting from word to word. In an ideal world, he would be able to say _yes_ without a beat of hesitation, but this is not an ideal world and it is, more than anything, a selfish desire to see his past revived that drives him.

“She hasn’t said otherwise,” he replies too quickly, too dismissively.

“I don’t think she _can_.”

Huey looks up at these words, his focus abruptly interrupted. The book falls shut, and he speaks slowly: “I was under the impression that you want her to be happy. She can hardly be happy in the state.”

“I want her to _smile_ ,” Elmer corrects, as though there is some _distinction_. He lifts his shoulder’s into a shrug, resting smile as unreadable ever. “I’m not telling you it’s a _bad_ idea, but I think Niki will be happier if you talk to her first.”

* * *

She is a memento of their mistakes, and Huey does not know how Elmer looks on her so easily. He sits beside her and she is alight before he even asks her to _smile_. He throws an arm around her shoulder. They look like old friends, but not enough like the ones Huey had once known; his eyes trace up and down the bandages covering her right side, and he suppresses a shudder.

He remains standing, arms folded over his chest, and watches as Elmer pulls out his cellphone and begins to explain.

“See, since you’re having trouble talking you can use this to write it out instead!”

Elmer demonstrates, typing up a message — Huey glances down to see the faint glow of ‘ _smile!’_ — then erasing it. Niki makes a noise of assent, head bobbing in understanding. She is more attentive now that she had been when they’d first found her again; Elmer seems to be the defining factor in this.

“I’m glad you understand!” He beams, setting the phone in her lap. “Huey needs to talk to you about something important. Is that okay?”

She nods, and, slowly but surely, taps out a response with her left hand.

— _Yes_.

Elmer smiles, removing his arm from around her and leaning back on the heels of his hands. Huey takes this as his cue, kneels in front of her and lays his hand over her right hand, only softly, not pressing, for fear of causing pain, but providing a comforting touch.

He does not know who to be in this moment — but he is reminded of kneeling in front of Chane, of holding her hand and explaining to her why she must do _this_ , why she must not do _that_ , covering harsh truths with lace, and he chooses to wear the face he had then. He does not know who to be in this moment, and he chooses poorly.

“I’d like to help you, Niki,” he croons. “It may hurt, but once it’s done everything will be better.”

There is a silence as Niki types her response.

— _Are you going to kill me?_

“No, that’s not it.”

— _I want to die._

If these words had come from one of his experiments, he would have smiled. _What a fascinating reaction,_ he would have thought, _how bizarre and spectacular human nature is._ He surprises himself more than she does, because in that moment human nature does not fascinate him, it does not seem _spectacular_ , it only makes him ache.

“No.” He shakes his head. “You want to stop hurting. I know how to make the pain go away. You won’t feel anything at all.”

— _How is that any different?_

“It’s nothing like dying. You’ll be…” _You’ll be awake._ His mouth goes dry; he cannot think of another way to finish the sentence.

— _I want to rest._

“You’re asking me to kill you?”

At this question, Niki looks to Elmer, deeply, thoughtfully, and Huey’s gaze follows. _You knew_. He realises, watching the man’s unwavering expression. _You knew what she was going to say_.

— _I’m happy right now. I’m ready to die._

“Of course.”

His jaw tightens, smile growing taut, so clearly forced that he is surprised Elmer says nothing of it.

“You’ve been…” _You’ve been a good girl_ , he’d tell Chane when he meant to put her at ease, but this is _Niki_. He jerks his arm away from her, rising to his feet and studying her for a long moment.

“You’ve been a good friend, Niki,” he decides to say.

She nods. He does not know if this means _you too_. He does not think it _could_ ; without him, she would not be suffering the way she is. He decides that a nod is just a nod, and some things are better not analysed.

“It won’t hurt,” he says, to reassure himself more than her.

He lays his hand on her head softly, gentle as if he were soothing a wounded animal — but gentler because she is _human_ , so human, and because sooth is all he can do. She leans into his touch, closes her eyes, and he thinks those words: _I want to devour_.

And nothing happens.

 _I want to devour_ he tells himself again, but it is a lie and his mind knows it.

_I want to — No. I want to fix this._

His hand trembles.

_I know how to fix this. I have a solution._

He _must_ have a solution. He thinks back through every experiment he’s ever conducted — taking Chane’s voice, taking Rail’s pain, taking Liza’s self, taking, taking, _taking_. He has taken so much and yet he cannot find a way to give back what Niki has lost. He can cure the pain. He cannot make her want to live.

Three-hundred years of research, three-hundred years of hatred, three-hundred years of slow descent into a darkness that has become him, and still he cannot save anyone when it counts.

 _I want to devour,_ but he does not devour, and she remains, still but not peaceful, quiet and _hurting_. His hand is shaking, and she must notice because she opens her eyes to look, and her gaze freezes him.

He does not move his hand, but someone moves it for him. He turns his head, wanting to _question_ the action, wanting to defend himself, but what leaves his mouth sounds more like a plea: “Elmer —”

“It’s okay, I know.” He lets go, and Huey’s arm drops limply to his side. He smiles up at him. “Don’t worry, this won’t change who I am.”

Then he turns his smile to Niki, and understanding creeps up on Huey in the form of an unsettling feeling in the pit of his stomach. _This won’t change who I am_. He is not forgetting the deed, he is offering to commit it.

“Remember that promise you made me all those years ago?” He’s speaking to Niki now. Huey listens as though separated by an invisible wall, knowing that he cannot break it without shattering his own fists. “Show me the best smile you can, alright?”

Elmer’s hand moves gently through her hair, and Huey is standing on the bow of a ship with strong arms restraining him as he watches the sea steal Monica away, and like then Elmer thinks he is doing him a favor but his heart burns with resentment; he is outside of the moment, powerless as he watches himself lose everything again.

Niki smiles.

Like his mother.

Like Monica.

And when he reaches out to touch her again she is gone.

The hand that took her lands on his shoulder, and the comforting gesture is a chill down his spine.

“She wanted to say _thank you_ ,” he says. “You should smile. She was really happy at the end.”

Huey doesn’t seem to hear him.

 


End file.
